The check up appointment

equals worry

I’ve been insufferable this week. To be fair to me I’ve had a lot going on at work with lots of hard people-y stuff, and am also in the menopause right now. But, the main reason I have been more touchy than usual, is that I had my 6 monthly check up with my breast surgeon on Friday afternoon.

Even though I was trying my best to be chill and calm about it - because in my rational part of my brain this was only just a check up - clearly I’ve been quite stressed and thus taking it out on people.

I noticed it when I caught myself biting at Harry. He said, around 9.40pm one night, “can I have a cup of tea please?” in quite a sweet voice. And yet despite this I went a bit mental on him saying it was too late and that NO HE CAN’T and that he should of asked me that half an hour ago. I mean, I was right, he was literally going to bed that moment and he had end of year exams the next day - so in my head he needed a good nights sleep - but perhaps my reaction was a bit over the top. He rolled his eyes and walked off and said “jeez ok I won’t then”, and I knew perhaps that I was doing my usual snappy-bity stuff that I always do when I’m quite nervous about something upcoming.

Anyway, Friday came, and I went to the appointment. I met Dave there and we held hands and walked into the room. The surgeon, who I know so well now after seeing him hundreds of times over the last two years, felt around and then quickly said “well it all looks fine to me and I’m not concerned at all” whilst giving me the thumbs up. “Oh! that’s great” I said, in a sort of relieved voice.

As we walked out Dave and I beam-smiled to each other, and I could feel the stress leave my shoulders. However this weird thing happens to you after you’ve had cancer in that even when you get really good news you don’t feel as though you could do a celebratory dance or a cart-wheel to celebrate. For some reason there’s always something holding you back about being over-the-moon-type thrilled, because you’re always thinking of how optimistic you were last time and just look what happened then.

But I did try to let myself enjoy this moment and said to myself in my head, all is ok. Dave and I hugged in the car park and he got a bit teary from relief and then we said goodbye and we’d see each other later. He got in his car and drove away.

Then I got in my car and I went home. On the way I filled my car up with petrol and got myself a pack of chocolates to have as a little treat to myself later on. When I got home I let Ollie out for a wee, put some New Zealand wine in the fridge, emptied the bin, made a coffee and did some work before I logged off for the day and weekend.

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